About a month ago I had a breakdown in front of a complete stranger. I had just stepped on the scale at Weight Watchers and the lady looked up at me in all earnestness and asked, "What do you think you're doing wrong?"
In all seriousness, I had been in the program since May with a three pound loss to show for it. This makes no sense since I had exercised more this summer than in ten years and been eating mindfully. Up to that point I'd been chalking it up to pushing forty. The particular week I was crying like a baby because I had actually gained weight. Really?
I was feeling as though my own body was betraying me. But looking back now, I think I've been feeling this ever since John had been born four years ago. I never truly bounced back after having him. Not only had I not been able to shed those baby pounds, but my energy and motivation has been lacking. It was taking me quite a bit of effort to get myself out of bed each morning. I had no literally force myself to do anything physically straining. By the end of my 12 hour shift at work, I could barely focus my thoughts to give report. Physically, it would take me a day to recover.
A year ago the doctor confirmed a benign thyroid tumor which was drained. My blood work was normal, so no treatment was needed. I'd been putting of my check up until this unfortunate day at Weight Watchers. I was ready to throw in the towel, but with my sister's encouragement I went back for a check up.
This was really difficult for me to do. Being a nurse doesn't assure that I'm a good patient. I often am overdiagnosing my family and underdiagnosing myself. I was sure that the doctor would send me on my way without any help and I was reluctant to go there. More than anything, I didn't want to face the fact that I may be told this is my new normal.
But instead, she seemed surprised that my tumor is still there at all and quickly prescribed some medication. She's hoping that the medication will shrink it and relieve my symptoms. God answered my prayers for direction in such a specific way. In just a short five minute visit, I felt as though a weight had been lifted.
Three weeks later, I feel like a completely different person. It's as if I was literally walking in a fog. Everything seems brighter and more clear visually. I've lost this weird buzzing feeling that often keeps me from falling asleep at night. (This came on after having John and I was told that it was just exhaustion.) I wake up in the morning feeling truly rested, but if I have to wake up extra early, it doesn't take me an hour or two to get going. Even my nails (pronounced ridges) and hair are changing.
As for the weight loss, well, the jury is still out. I'm working at it hard, but I'm hopeful that now they'll be a return on my investment.