The Good Shepherd

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed this morning. Granted it is 6:20 on a Monday morning. But I've been a bit under the weather recently and since Friday night have been feeling low on energy, motivation, inspiration... I know that part of it is merely physical- my body fighting off this virus. I'd say I'm moving at about 60% which is really a bad scenerio in my mind because this place moves a lot faster than that. But more than that, I'm fighting back those feelings of being unbalanced. I've been headed this way for a few weeks now and the train is about to come into the station.

For all the physical work that I do or needs to be done around here, it is so quickly undone right before my eyes. I know its just part of this season of our family's life,I accept that. But when I look at the big mess I wonder if it is worth the effort.

I do many things for my children, but am I giving them what they need? Am I giving them time just to talk and be with me, not just be around me and talked at? Do they know that they are loved unconditionally and forever? Am I intentionally instilling in them the Truth?

Homeschooling has been going well this year thus far. For this I am thankful. But the momentum is starting to slow down for me and the kids. How can I inspire them if I am unmotivated myself?

I don't feel sorry for myself, but realize that this is what happens when I begin to rely on myself more than on the Lord. It really is so subtle at first and I don't even notice, but before I know it the Old Me is attempting to control the reins. And crash. Talk about a mess.

This has been a lifelong struggle for me. I am a master a justifying and deceiving myself. I love control and God lovingly (though not without pain) continually reminds me otherwise.

I'd like to avoid this crash which takes often the form of a very bad attitude, hurting other's feelings, being selfish, pitying myself, blaming others, loosing my patience, raising my voice...

So on my to be list this week:

In Christ, instead of being overwhelmed by my own circumstance and feelings I choose to be tended, gathered, carried and led by The Good Shepherd. That's where I want to be.

Isaiah 40:11-14

11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.

12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?

13 Who has understood the mind of the LORD,
or instructed him as his counselor?

My "To Be" List

I'm naturally not an organizer. Sure, I like to get things done and for my my life to be neat and clean. But I don't wake up every morning intuitively excited about my routine. I'm always looking for some small opportunity to arise to let me run off into the land of spontaneity.

But I've learned to make lists out of necessity. I realize that our home would probably cave in (literally) and our lives would be an undisciplined mess if there weren't some semblance of order. Though it's still not natural for me, I do appreciate the way it works and don't fight it any more.

But, I'm getting grumpy. We are seven weeks into the school year and I feel as though I am being ruled by the "List". Though I'm smiling, inside I'm beginning to feel the crunch of all the things that have to get done. And if they don't get completed I'll be even grumpier because the list will be even longer. Arg.

Currently, I'm going through a study with my youngest sister called, "The Excellent Wife", by Martha Peace. Marriage is in her near future.

Last night we studied a chapter which challenged us not to just take off sin but to put on godliness. On the way home as I was thinking about today and my mental "To Do" list I found myself getting grumpy yet again. It never goes away.

I've decided that I will start keeping a "To Be" list. I really want my life to count not because of what I do (or don't do), but because of who I am regardless.

So for today these are the things that I need to do:
-Prepare for my mother-in-law's birthday
-school with 4 children
-clean the bathrooms
-5 loads of laundry
-pay bills
-go to bed at a decent hour because I'm working at 6am

But today, In Christ, this is who I choose to be:

Not angry in my words or actions, but gentle.

Ephesians 4:26-27 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold."

2 Samuel 22:35-37

He trains my hands for war,
so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You have given me the shield of your salvation,
and your gentleness made me great.
You gave a wide place for my steps under me,
and my feet did not slip;

How about you? What's on your list today?