I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed this morning. Granted it is 6:20 on a Monday morning. But I've been a bit under the weather recently and since Friday night have been feeling low on energy, motivation, inspiration... I know that part of it is merely physical- my body fighting off this virus. I'd say I'm moving at about 60% which is really a bad scenerio in my mind because this place moves a lot faster than that. But more than that, I'm fighting back those feelings of being unbalanced. I've been headed this way for a few weeks now and the train is about to come into the station.
For all the physical work that I do or needs to be done around here, it is so quickly undone right before my eyes. I know its just part of this season of our family's life,I accept that. But when I look at the big mess I wonder if it is worth the effort.
I do many things for my children, but am I giving them what they need? Am I giving them time just to talk and be with me, not just be around me and talked at? Do they know that they are loved unconditionally and forever? Am I intentionally instilling in them the Truth?
Homeschooling has been going well this year thus far. For this I am thankful. But the momentum is starting to slow down for me and the kids. How can I inspire them if I am unmotivated myself?
I don't feel sorry for myself, but realize that this is what happens when I begin to rely on myself more than on the Lord. It really is so subtle at first and I don't even notice, but before I know it the Old Me is attempting to control the reins. And crash. Talk about a mess.
This has been a lifelong struggle for me. I am a master a justifying and deceiving myself. I love control and God lovingly (though not without pain) continually reminds me otherwise.
I'd like to avoid this crash which takes often the form of a very bad attitude, hurting other's feelings, being selfish, pitying myself, blaming others, loosing my patience, raising my voice...
So on my to be list this week:
In Christ, instead of being overwhelmed by my own circumstance and feelings I choose to be tended, gathered, carried and led by The Good Shepherd. That's where I want to be.
11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?
13 Who has understood the mind of the LORD,
or instructed him as his counselor?