Friday, October 30, 2009

At the end of the week....

I've not been neglecting my blog, but rather trying to catch life as it speeds by. It seems as though my feet hit the floor in the morning (which has been normally around 6am due to chiropractor visits) and I seriously don't sit down to rest until 8pm or so.

Honestly, I'm feeling a bit drained these days. And discouraged.

I was thinking today in the van (choking back tears) about how I viewed life ten years ago. I had two babies, lived in a small apartment waiting for the moment that Sean would walk through the door each evening. I was drained from lack of regular sleep, constant physical care and a good dose of isolation since we only had one car. A blog probably would have been therapeutic back then. The clock ticked so slowly in those days. Some days I really thought might never end.

I never imagined then that my life would be where it is today. There is never enough time to answer all the questions and concerns. I have such willing, helping hands for all the physical tasks which never ceases to bless me. The days of simply kissing away the tears or putting a whiny baby to bed are largely gone. Now it's long discussions with lots of emotions and opinions involved. It's giving attention to ideas and conflicts before the moment passes. It's the nitty gritty work of sanding down the rough edges that become evident in a family.

It's been made clear to me these past few weeks that in all these interactions, I have some rough edges myself. At times it's painful for me to not lash out or become hurtful to those I love. I can feel it just well up inside me. I'm constantly having to seek wisdom to know how to properly respond and react. I want to be the right one. I want them just to follow my marching orders. I want to be just a bit sarcastic to get a word in. I want them to understand me, where I'm coming from and trust that my way is best. That would be so much easier, right?

No. I know the answer is no. Yet, I feel a part of me dying each time I push back what I want. I know that these trials are not really about clothes or insecurities or a argument between siblings. It's about sanctification- for all of us. By God's grace I will do my best to continue to draw the lines carefully and enforce the consequences consistently. I'm so not good at this, but I want to be. I want to please the Lord. I want His Love to be poured out on my children through me. I want them to know that there is no problem too small or too big that He does not care about. I want them to be blessed in their obedience and repentant in their disobedience.


I feel so far from that place myself right now. And discouraged. I'm thankful for the coming Lord's Day- a time to rest, rejoice, reflect and know again what is True.

3 comments:

Angie said...

Praying for you right now, Monica!

Tisha said...

Praying for you now friend...

Saralyn said...

Right there with you.