I remember the total exhaustion of having preschoolers and babies who required just about every ounce of me every moment of every day. Those days were never ending (literally). I would fall into my bed at night knowing that in three hours or so it would be time to start all over again. Diapers. Hugs. Walks. Tucks. Feedings. Baths. Bed changes.
Life was a predictable ferris wheel coming back around to show me the same scene over and over again. Yet, there was a sense of control on my part. I knew what to expect. I knew how to fix the problem. If something was not working, I'd surely have a chance to tweek the routine a bit. Then, I'd just jump back on the wheel and life would go along smoothly.
Life has changed a lot. That oh so familiar Ferris wheel has taken the form of a roller coaster. Each day is a series of ups and downs. Each child is taking their own twists and turns as they come into their own. It's no longer answering the cries of a helpless child. Now it's answering the hard questions as the tears fall. "When will I have a best friend?" "What am I good at? What makes me special?" "Who will I become?"
I've found myself being at a loss for words when faced with these all important issues. For some of my kids, the answers are evident. For others it's a journey that can be hard for me to watch. I want to give them the answers and point ahead, yet it is in journey that the answers are actually found.
So I pray. A lot. I pray for the grace to know what to say when these questions come pouring out. I pray that God's answers to come to them individually in His time and in His way. Sometimes it feels like I'm sitting on my hands. I have to stop myself from jumping in and fixing it my way. Surely I could manipulate the situation to make it a little less painful. I've tried that before and my solutions fall far short.
Today was a watershed moment for me as a mom. I watched as Lydia was awarded the opportunity of a lifetime. I stood in the wings and shed my own tears of joy knowing that this was an answer to a question that she's been struggling with this past year. It was God's answer to her. I had nothing to do with it.