The Waltons gone sour

WARNING!! IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH DO NOT READ. BUT IF YOU'RE A MOM THEN YOU'VE DONE THIS A DOZEN TIMES SO GO AHEAD AND READ ON FOR A GOOD LAUGH!!

My morning started at 4:30 with the herald of all good news, Betsy, talking in my ear. "Joseph, is making a sound like he is sick. It is sounds bad." Of course, my mind went right to the croup. You know, the barking dog, can't breathe, panting for life drama that Joseph has given us twice this winter. I told her to help him down the stairs.

At 4:30:30 beside me stood Joseph with cupped hands full of vomit. Nice. Don't hold it over me, please. He looked so confused as to how this could have happened and on HIS pillow and blanket, no less.

Hands got washed and the bathtub started running.

"Mommy, I had a feeling. A very, very, very bad feeling in my stomach and it came OUT!!!" he sobbed. "I think that my stomach had a very, very, very bad dream or something."

"Yes, that could be," I replied trying to adjust to the lights.

He looked fine. Not pasty white sick or anything. We had plans to go pick up some free organic food today, but that will not happen. Who knows when the next victim will fall. I don't want to be 40 minutes from home in a van full of puking kids. We just cleaned the van yesterday.

"Mommy, who will clean it all up? Is my blanket ruined?" The thought of this is sad.

"I clean it up, Joseph. That's what mommies do when their children are sick like this. I'll wash your clothes and your things and it will all be fine."

After the bath I made a spot on the floor by our bed which is a straight shot to the bathroom.

"Mom do I have to spit in the toilet where I poop and pee? Remember when I was sick and pooped on the stairs...." He started to get teary. I was shocked that he even remembered this at all because he was so young when it happened. Perhaps his sisters have reminded him about it a few times since then.

I didn't like where this conversation was going so I went and got "the bowl" to lay by his head. I turned off the light and said goodnight. Then something like an episode at the Walton's happened. You know- the end where all the kids won't be quiet but keep saying, "Good night, so-and-so..."

This was more like a constant firing of questions about bodily functions. Just when we would get drowsy another questions would come out. It got quite funny and I had to control myself from laughing. These are the ones I remember.

"But mom we cook with this bowl. What if I get sick? That's gross."

"Honey, I will clean it."

"How will you clean it?"

"With soap and water."

"But then the bubbles will be disgusting. Who will clean the bubbles? Hmmm..."



Joseph sat up.

"I can feel it. It's here (heart level). Now it's here (throat level). I think...."

"Joseph, lean over the bowl."

"Oh, now it's gone. Where does it go?"



"How does it come out like that? It's so fast and hot."

"Have you ever seen a volcano?"

"No."

"Okay. Have you ever seen a volcano in a book?"

"Yes."

"It's like that. It gets all bubbly in your stomach until your stomach can't hold it any more and it has to come out."

"I think I have a very strong stomach."



"Can you hear that? It's making noise in there. It's here (pointing the the left of his tummy). Now it's over there (pointing to the right). Why is it so busy? Can you hear that?"

I actually could.



"Where is that music coming from? How does dad do that when he's asleep?"

It was in fact the alarm clock going off to start the day.



He did fall asleep for a while. So far, so good. But I'm not holding my breath. Better start up the washer and dryer. I wonder who I'll be talking with tomorrow morning?

Postscript: I take back the "so far,so good"claim. The poor guy is sick and now REALLY confused because it's coming out both ends.